A Gringo's Guide to Driving in Puerto Rico by Michael Davis

The following was written by Michael after driving in PR for one week last summer. Lisa's defensive commentary appears in red.

Gringo’s Guide to Driving in Puerto Rico

1. Most important for driving in Puerto Rico is to remember that great piece of advice from the Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: “Don’t Panic!”
2. The island is 100 by 35 miles. You can’t really get lost. Unless you stumble into a San Juan ghetto. In which case we’ll light a candle and remember you on your birthday.
3. Police always have their flashing lights on; they’ll sound their siren to pull you over. (I believe the point of this is to prevent accidents, rather than catch people in the act)
   
4. “Slower traffic keep right” apparently does not translate into Puerto Rican Spanish.
5. When encountering the toll booths on highway 52 from San Juan to Ponce, take the lane marked “C” if you need change. (Duh!)
   
6. Drive both more aggressively and more defensively.
7. There is no center turning lane on small roads. (yeah, no such thing)
   
8. Many roads appear to be single lane roads by US standards: narrow and without a center paint line. They aren’t. You’ll know when you meet a big truck on a curve. Unfortunately, most roads are narrow and curvy.
9. But the roads are generally well marked
10. Cursing helps, if only to join in the spirit of things. I like “coño!” (also see "huevon")
    
11. Parking in the street to talk to friends on the sidewalk and thereby blocking one lane of traffic is ok. Just leave one lane open so that traffic can trickle through.
12. Stop signs look like stop signs but they say “PARE”, but stopping at them is really only a suggestion.
13. There are no 4 way stops in Puerto Rico. Apparently the concept was too confusing. (OK, soe of us recognize our limitations. If we know #12 to be true, then # 13 just serves to prevent accidents-think about it)
    
14. If you pass a car accident, you MUST slow down to almost a complete stop and gawk for several moments. Only in this way, will you turn a minor fender bender into an accident that backs up traffic for a mile and a half.
15. Many streets in the small towns are one way. They are marked with a sign with an arrow and the word “TRANSITO” and point in the direction that traffic should go….usually.
16. The entrance to one way streets are marked with a “NO ENTRE” sign (DO NOT ENTER)….usually. Sometimes the sign is too faded to read. Sometimes it isn’t there, and all that is left is the iron pole that it used to stand on. Sometimes you can tell because all the cars on the street are parked in the same direction. Sometimes you can tell because you take a street and are suddenly met by many angry drivers coming from the other direction. See #10 above. (This is so true, I'm still laughing about the observation...)
    
17. Speed limit is posted in miles per hour as in “Velocidad maxima 55.” Distances are posted in kilometers. “San Juan 38” means 38 kilometers to San Juan. (This is one of those things that results from the confusion of being colonized by Europeans, and then by Americans.)
    
18. There’s quite a bit of construction on the main highways in Puerto Rico, which is frequently accompanied by a sign called a “DESVIO.” This translates directly into “detour,” or more loosely into “let’s see how many high speed accidents we can cause.” These come on Highway 2 after Ponce. After you’ve been driving on the main highways for a while and you think you’ve got the hang of things, you’ll suddenly see a “DESVIO.” At this point the highway will veer sharply to right, and the lines in the road become meaningless because you are suddenly straddling what used to be the line dividing traffic. All this is done to avoid the concrete walls that have suddenly sprung up on either side of the highway and have squeezed two lanes of traffic down to a space that will fit in a Kroger aisle. Just when you think you have coped with this change, the highway veers back to the left and back onto its original course. (Yeah, think about the German Autobahn, and then picture the opposite)
    
19. Music is an important part of life on the island. But apparently there is a regulation stating that if you are going to listen to music in the car at night, you must make at least one pass through an urbanizacion (subdivision) playing reggaeton as loud as is possible. Salsa or Spanish rock just won’t do. And the louder and later, the better. (We are loud, get used to it)
20. Puerto Ricans seem to like speed bumps. They call them “muertos” or dead men. Get used to it. (again, prevention people!)
    
21. Take comfort in the fact that no matter how bad a driver you are, you’ll fit in in Puerto Rico. And if you can navigate through the Seventh Circle of Hell, commonly called driving in New Jersey, then you are more than qualified to drive in Puerto Rico. (Sorry Nisha!)